To The Man Who Wasn’t Ready

To the man who wasn’t ready, I forgive you. 

I forgive you for raising my hopes.

I forgive you for making me intoxicated on the idea that we could have been something spectacular.

I forgive you for not being ready for an extraordinary love.

I feel like the luckiest girl to have been in your presence, to share with you my dreams, my deepest fears, my insecurities and my damaged past; something that I thought no one could ever begin to love.

I looked for you. I didn’t want to find you. But I did look for you. Then unexpectedly, there you were, every fibre of my being told me to run from you; but I stayed. 

I stayed because I know that I don’t meet people like you often. I don’t meet other human beings who see the world like you do. Your energy was something special, and although at first I hardly recognised it, I soon began to find myself wanting to cocoon up beside you.

Daydreaming of all the possibilities with you, lazy Sunday mornings, wearing nothing but a t-shirt, curled up in the doona, cup of tea cradled in my hands. Laying on the couch, wrapped up in you, reading out loud, passages from novels that perfectly described our life and what we felt for one another. Coming home from a late nursing shift and just collapsing into you, because I felt numb from losing one of my patients. Reminding me, just how precious life is.

In the short time I knew you, you made me feel like I belong. You made me feel capable. You made me realise that I can embrace exactly who I am. And sometimes, you don’t know what it is you are looking for until it is hugging you goodbye. Clutching onto the moment when you might get to relive the same warm embrace again. Maybe once more, maybe many more…

I didn’t know you weren’t ready; but I forgive you.

From late night calls, long texts and being in your presence, I knew that you were capable of some kind of wild love. A love that was too big for me to entirely understand.

You showed me all the signs, you gave me all the signals. You let me in, only to let me down. But, I forgive you.

She left you in ruins. And I don’t think I'll ever be able to forgive her.

Maybe in a year’s time, I’ll see you loved up, posting photographs with a new woman, living moments that only I had dreamt about. Her heart, her energy, her capacity to love; all just as big as yours. Maybe then I will truly be able to forgive the woman before her.

So, to the man who wasn’t ready, I forgive you.

Simply because of this: You taught me more in three weeks about soul connection than another man has taught me in my 23 years of life.

You taught me to be open, to not hide scars from previous lovers, to be vulnerable and to let people see me for exactly who I am; as a whole. And most importantly, you made me feel like I was worthy of love that has no boundaries.

Although you might not know it right now, although you might not have felt the same way, I make no apologies for writing this.

This is why I forgive you for not being ready. I am, and will be, forever grateful.